A Pure Hypothetical Birching Story

The hypothetical spanking scene opens on a wintery Thursday afternoon in the near future, round about 6pm, somewhere in the northern suburbs of Johannesburg. In an office park, a clearly unimpressed woman can be seen wandering through the gardens, staring intently at trees, and if an observer listens closely, he might be able to hear words being uttered that polite girls will never say publically.

As she finally shrugs and start destroying a tree by removing some of its branches, it would be prudent for the observer to note that any approach to offer assistance would not be appreciated, and any questions that might be asked about what she is exactly doing, could possibly be classified as reckless behaviour. In the event that he chose to ignore all the warning signs, it is most likely that a  (very one sided) conversation will follow.
(Please note: sensitive readers - full censorship has been applied with regards to language use)

“Eh...Lady...what are you doing?”

“What does it look like? I am busy destroying a tree”


“This is apparently a Cabbage tree. Did you know that this was a Cabbage tree?”


“No, do not answer. It was a rhetorical question. I did not know that this was a Cabbage tree, but apart from that, who in their right mind will name a defenceless tree after a vegetable that stinks to high heaven?”

“Yes, but...why are you ripping off its branches?”

“You are quite right about the butt part. I am destroying Mother Nature’s creation for I am supposedly to make a birch from said Cabbage tree."

Said Cabbage Tree...


 That frown and blank look indicates that you have no idea what I am talking about. Apparently you take a bunch of twigs, bundle them together, call it a birch and then you proceed to use them on the bottom of some poor defenceless woman...”


“Birches belong in the UK...and I think in the USA...and where am I? In South Africa, the bloody rainbow nation in the southern tip of Africa. What do I know about birches? And yet, here I am, destroying a tree, a Cabbage tree, because MY bottom must suffer under the application of said, alien cabbage-impersonation  implement...”


“Oh, sorry, is the spanking bit freaking you out? Does it make you feel better if I say that I am not particularly looking forward to it as well? And do you know WHY I am going to be spanked, wait! Correction (sarcasm dripping) - birched?”


“Me neither! Words such as "outbursts" were mentioned...do I really look like someone that suffers from outbursts?”


“Do NOT answer that! Do you know what the worst is? Tomorrow morning I have to board a flight, with most likely a sore and red bottom, and I cannot even skip the not wearing panties thing, because with my damn luck I will be the one and only passenger to go through a body scanner! Hey! Where are you going?”

As he disappears in a haste, clearly convinced that he has met one delusional individual, the muttering woman continues in her quest to destroy a tree to the best of her ability, while voicing her opinion about the observer’s limited vocabulary...



MarQe's Study said...

Birching ?! You've just given me an idea !!


Velvet said...

Oh Jeepers,

MarQe having an idea... that's very very bad...


Velvet <3

PS we can always subsitute brandy for the coffee...

Anonymous said...

Good work Raven. Made my morning. I nearly gargled my coffee over the keyboard I was laughing so much!
I could just imagine the conversation between you and Norman - ultra straight and vanilla.
You are redeemed - for making me smile so early in the morning, I have decided that you no longer have to report on Wednesday.
That is not to say that the idea has gone! It just wont happen this week - unless of course there arises a set of circumstances that necessitate a recall :)

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Raven---I love your blog. You tell the most wonderful tales. You have a fantastic sense of humour and a gift for writing. I really enjoyed this.
"Strangelove" Blog

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