I can now proudly proclaim that I have settled in my new country in which especially the people of Scotland welcomed me with open hearts and arms. It has been a long and at times, a hard road to today - but for once, I can say " I did it!".
But I also have to be honest that in my focus to adjust and integrate, my absolute dedication to excel in a working environment where I had to start afresh from the bottom of the ladder, proving my leadership skills - constantly only showing my strengths, my dominance - buried that piece of me that made me - me.
In the beginning I did attend one or two munches in London, but I quickly realised that a person I believed in, turned out not to be what I thought him to be. The hurt and disillusionment that came hand in hand with the realisation, left me bereft and stranded. I made one or two attempts to reach out locally but I quickly found out that apparently you have to have a body ready for the catwalk (not me) or be at an age where I will never ever be at again.
I am an introvert - I will never ever be that person who wants to be centre of attention, and so perhaps I then took the coward's way out - I pushed and locked away my need and desire to submit and forged ahead - on my own.
I still kept in touch with a Dominant within the initial circle of friends. During a day visit from him last year, I foolishly thought that I could perhaps haul out that piece of me, lightly dust it off and once all was over, I can bury it away again.
I can honestly state, five years of not having a cane near my bottom was rather an eye opening experience however, I am still stubborn (his words, not mine). However, as the burn and stripes started fading away, the realisation quickly dawned upon me that I cannot acknowledge or ignore selective pieces of me - they do not fade or stop burning.
The awakening I felt in my soul, in my sexuality, my absolute need to hand over control, to let go and trust someone else - that cannot be hidden. It is part of who I am, it is part of my psyche.
So, I am now in a bit of a spot of trouble. As I am single and as any human being want someone to share my life with, I am contemplating the dreaded dating websites. However, I am rather certain that a request for a Dom, a strong male that likes to spank will rather be frowned upon.
As FetLife does not quite fit the box here as a dating site, how do I go forward? Do I make peace with the fact that I can perhaps find someone to share my life with - without the spanking and submission? Do I then live my life partially, suppressing part of what is my sexuality? How do I turn my back on myself?
