2011/02/28

I am angry

I am angry...
I am angry at an illness that came uninvited, invading my body, whether I wanted it or not.
I am angry at an illness that refused to go away when I wanted it to, to disappear into thin air, as if it was never there.


I am angry because I had to confess that I did hide the severity of the symptoms from you, because of my own reluctance to go and seek medical help.
I am angry because as much as what I try to evade the truth, I can barely manage to hide it or conceal it. In the end, I always pull it out – to show you, confess to you, of what I have done or not done.


I am angry that you wanted me to explain why I did what I did, when I barely understand it myself.
I am angry that even though I did try, I knew that nothing I said could justify any of it.
I am angry that you saw my pitiful arguments and reasons put forward for what it was, nothing more than empty words trying desperately to deflect away from my own stubbornness and silliness.


I am angry that you are not going to let this one slip by, your calm voice telling me what will be, your logic and arguments closing every avenue of escape I could think off.
I am angry at my helplessness to stop the scribbling of a pen on paper, knowing that even with the months in between, this will only be between you and me.


I am angry that when the day arrive, I will have to crawl over your lap and feel your hands lower my panties,  for a punishment now recorded according to date and time.
I am angry that when my bottom will burn and turn red from your hand and a tawse, and when I squirm and want it all to stop, I will be reminded of this day.


I am angry, because I know that you are right.
I am angry...with myself.

12 comments:

Poppy said...

I understand every word of this and I would send you hugs if they were what you needed but, honey, I do not think it is hugs you need.
xxx

joey said...

dont be angry raven get well we all love u

Raven Red said...

I knew you would understand Poppy, and I would not mind hugs, but I agree...that is not what I need the most..

Hugs
xx

Raven

Raven Red said...

Joey

Thank you and here is a big HUG just for you..

xx
Raven

Brett B said...

Anger is such a destructive emotion. You're angry because you earned the punishment, and angry you're going to get the spanking. But the spanking will be the remedy. Big hugs, Raven.

Raven Red said...

Brett

I know, and I was so angry when I started writing this posting.

I so badly wanted to shift the blame, to say, that it is NOT my fault...but it is. All mine.

And there will always be consequences. I know that, but yet I still thought it wise to do what I did.

The anger has now subsided, even the anger with myself. But I will have to face the consequences, but I know that now, I am ready to do so.

Hugs

Raven

Erica said...

Aw, sweetie. I'm sorry. :-(

Dioneo said...

Beautifully written, Raven, and a powerful theme. It sounds like you caught something worse than I, but nonetheless rest assure that you have my commiserating wishes that it all gets better soon!

Emanuele Lombardi said...

I think I understand the impulse to rail against the entire world. Being so angry the next person to speak to you will just evaporate from the heat.

Its OK
You are forgiven
You are Loved

Lotsa Hugs

Emanuele

Raven Red said...

Erica

It is okay. Promise. XX

Raven Red said...

Dioneo

Thank you. Getting better every day now, hope you feel better soon!

Raven Red said...

Emanuele

Thank you...and also a huge HUG to you.

xx

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