I do not want to do this

I do not want to write this, because I know that it is going to make me cry, and I do not want to cry. I want to put on my happy face and pretend that nothing is wrong. I do not want to think of how afraid I was this weekend, but now that the anger is gone, all I can remember is how lonely and scared I felt. I am trying so hard not to despair, but with every reality check of what has become of my country once with so much hope, another piece of my soul is dying.

I do not want to remember that when I walked to my hotel room that night, that I was pinching myself not to cry - I did not want anyone to see. I was hungry and tired, all the restaurant kitchens were closed already, and after what had just transpired, I could not face pleading and explaining to a stranger why I want food so late at night, with tears on my face.

I do not want to think about my longing in the midst of all the chaos and the hostility directed at me for doing what I am being paid for, how all I wanted to do was hear his voice, the calmness in it, to tell me that I will be okay. I do not want to remember how sore my feet was and how I stood on the cold tiles, feeling the relief as the coldness eased the physical pain, but at the same time how my heart was breaking because I heard his laughter at the South African girl that does not like shoes.

I do not want to remember the absolute despair and loneliness that settled over me when I was in my warm and humid hotel room, and that after a day and night of longing and missing him, when I finally did manage to speak to him, I was miserable and moody. I do not want to think about his text message warning me that I sooner or later I am going to get hurt in what I do for a living, because then I have to think about my fear. I do not want to remember that when the rain started, how I stepped out onto the balcony, and cried as the raindrops hit my face, trying to rid myself of the sadness.

I will then have to think about how I faced the aggression and taunts, loosely wondering if they might have some sort of weapon concealed on their bodies. I will have to remember that I deliberately closed the space between us, with my heart beating so fast and hard, and how I thought that I am going to get my bottom smacked for this - I am putting myself in direct danger once again.

I will then have to think about how badly I do want to be able to go home to him, telling him of my fears, and my actions that I know he hates. I will have to think about him pulling me over his lap, his voice deep whilst lecturing me about the consequences of not obeying. I will have to think that even though I might not be able to sit down for a while, and with a bottom sore and red, how safe, loved and wanted I will then be. I will have to think about my deep desire that I would love nothing more than only just that.

But I do not want to think about it, because it is making me cry, for all I want on this Tuesday morning, is his strong arms around me, holding me and telling me that I will be okay.


Hermione said...

I'm sending warm cyberhugs your way, dear Raven.


ronnie said...

Oh Raven, sending hugs as well.


Erica said...

Aw, sweetie... hugs from me too.

Poppy said...

I am sending hugs too.

wordsmith said...

Stay safe Raven x

dd said...

Another sending hugs and cuddkes, oh Raven, wish you were nearer. ddxx

Raven Red said...

Hermione, Ronnie, Erica, Poppy, dd, Wordsmith

Thank you for the hugs. A good dose of post traumatic stress, quite a bit of tears, anger, tears, anger...but then I am a fighter by heart.

Am not quite there yet, but at least I have stopped with the waterworks!!

Lots of hugs back


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