2011/09/27

Maybe...

Maybe after a month of self-imposed silence, a blog posting fuelled by the assistance of some cocktail named after the sunset and sunrise in one, is not the best idea - but then, on the other hand, alcohol does tend to lend courage where it is lacking at times. It has now been two weeks since I have returned to South Africa, and apart from this dreadful sorrow inside me, I continuously feel as if I am looking in from the outside, watching a person that resembles me, drudgingly making it through day after day.


She seems to keep her head up most of the times, but is quick to drop it - for tears seem to form at any given time. She smiles when requires to do so, but she has heard from more than one person that the smile is not touching her eyes. She feels lost, out of place, not sure where to go anymore. Things that use to pleasure her, no longer does, her heart belongs in a place very far away from where she is. She avoids people, barely making contact with anyone, because her sorrow seems to spill over when she really does not want people to see that side of her.


I know that I should be pulling myself together, to re-adjust, to put the smile back on my face but more importantly back into my heart – but for time being, I shamefully admit, I cannot. I know that the aggression, the resentment is building, I know that the anger is somewhere lurking, and I know that sooner than later I will have to present myself...but I am not quite ready... for it will not be Uncle Nick who pulls me over his lap...and that is what I want more than anything else in the world.


22 comments:

Velvet said...

Dearest Raven,

I hope you find the right cocktail to bring the smile back to your beautiful eyes very soon.

A favourite quote of M's:
Everything will be OK in the end... If it's not OK, then it's not the end.

Somewhere in the future is sunshine, keep strong, you will find it.

Love and hugs

Velvet <3

Raven Red said...

Velvet, thank you for the lovely words. I am really having a battle this time re-adjusting to the harsh reality of living a life away from someone I want to be with, not knowing if I ever will be able to share my life with him as I want too - and that all because of my citizenship to a country outside the EU.

Then to top it all, without being to political about it - it is not that I feel to welcome in my own country either...

Between the devil and the deep blue sea...erm...one distressed Raven. :)

Hugs

dd said...

Raven,

My heart aches for your heartache.

Remember your sunset and sunrise are also his. When we were apart we would look at the Northern Star, and know it was ours, despite the time zones.

No-one can heal your hurt but we are all here for you.

Hugs and kisses, ddxxx

MarQe's Study said...

My very best wishes for your future Raven ......
MQ x

Pink said...

Big hugs to you, Raven. I am all yours -- if only by email -- if you need me.

XX,

Pink

bree512 said...

Ditto, dear girl.

wordsmith said...

Dear Raven, I was concerned how you would feel when you got back - keep positive things can work out! A big hug from a little dog :-) x

Tenth Muse Top said...

I know the ecstasy and misery of a long distance relationship all too well, Raven. The time together is finite, so every second of it is rarified and precious - all the senses are heightened, all the colours, technicolour... but the other side of it is the abolute bleakness of finding youself alone again. So far away from the warmth and company of the one you love.

Hope it works out for you in the end!

~ Aer

Velvet said...

Dearest Raven,

Email, text or call me anytime, you have all my contacts. I know I am just as far away as Nick but sometimes you just need female contact (especially one who never mentions deing 'lippy' ...) You are a very strong and wonderful person. Things WILL be OK.

Love and hugs,

Velvet <3

ronnie said...

My heart goes out to you Raven.

Love and hugs,
Ronnie
xx

Raven Red said...

dd

Thank you - the only thing that I can say is that I miss him more than I thought could be possible.

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

MarQe

Thank you and a big hug to you!

Raven Red said...

Miss Pink

I know, thank you and I will. xx

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

Bree

Thank you

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

Wordsmith

I am trying, not succesfully, but I am trying to keep positive...and I really do hope that things will work out..

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

TTM

Thank you for your lovely words - with everyone's kindness and comments - I cried myself another river...and I as I have said, I truly hope that THIS one wish of mine does come true.

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

Velvet, I tried a Mojito tonight - wish in retrospect was not the best choice. The last one I had was with Uncle Nick at a small Cuban restaurant we found in London...SIGH.
And thank you - I will.

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

Ronnie

What can I say - I have managed to get through life up till now without really and truly being in love with someone - and now that I am - it is with the most difficult circumstances. Whether I want to know it or not...it has changed me, my life - and all I hope is that in the end, it all works out.

Hugs

Raven

dd said...

As with Velvet, Raven, if you ever want to e-mail me with when things get too sad, or you want to vent, or just cry out at the unfairness of it all, you have my e-mail. Please use it.

Hugs xx

Mindy said...

I'm sorry you're hurting, Raven. My heart goes out to you. Hugs +++.

Raven Red said...

dd

You will have to resend - I had a change in laptop - and I have lost some of my information. Okay, maybe not lost - just temporarily misplaced. I am sure it is still where I put it - I just cannot remember for time being where that might be.

Raven

Raven Red said...

Mindy

Thank you.

Hugs

Raven

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