I really did it this time.

I really did it this time. I did not think it was possible, but then on the other hand, thinking back I sincerely doubt that any of my rational thought processes were in existence. Noticed how many times I have written, "Think"? It is sort of a reminder to myself that at any given time, I should be rather using brainpower and control, than emotions - it is much safer that way.

It started with the normal banter and teasing, but somewhere along the line, it suddenly turned in a red hot moment, and typical to my nature, I lashed out – not caring at that moment what I was saying. Pure anger raged through me, and blinded by four months of  frustration, exhaustion and irritation, I acted on pure instinct. My anger and hurt that are at times so intertwined, that to differentiate between the two becomes an impossible task, rushed to the surface, and my fingers typed words that I wish I could recall.

He is normally a mild mannered man, and I think at times bemused by my antics, but every person has a limit, and last Wednesday, HH reached his. That it was a sobering moment is to say the least. Even though I did not know exactly which of my comments managed to send him over the edge, it was with an icy cold fist around my heart that I apologised. Raging anger I understand, I can respond to quick and hard words, I shrug off sarcasm with some of my own, but against polite and cold words, I have no defence. It reduces me to a ball of nothingness, I feel like a small child, silly, stupid and idiotic.

He accepted my apology immediately, but I knew that within me, that those couple of minutes would be haunting me for a long time to come. Tears and guilt made me toss and turn all night long, with self-disgust and anger building. I am an intelligent woman, but at times, my actions are even beyond my own comprehension. The more I was thinking about it, the more I became ashamed, disgusted by my own behaviour.

Early on Thursday morning, I sent another apology, upon which I received a polite answer that it is forgotten; he had already stated that he accepted the apology. Feeling properly chastised I asked the dreaded question, convinced in my heart that after my behaviour he will turn his back on me, and I knew that I would have not been able to blame him if chose that option. A short conversation followed.

“If you need a spanking, yes”

My answer was meek and mild, “I do”

“I think you do too”

I had no valid arguments or excuses for my behaviour and in two words only I acknowledged this. “I know”

“Monday, 18h00”

I can barely think about my behaviour on Wednesday, and I definitely do not want to think about Monday evening. It is three days away, but apart from the certain knowledge that I will regret every action of this past Wednesday, and am most likely not going to be able to sit down properly for a while; I am filled with dread at the mere fact that I will have to face HH.

For I will have to stand in front of him, person to person, and none of my quick wit, or light hearted banter to push things away from myself will be of any help. I am going to have to face the consequences of my own actions, and with no valid grounds for my behaviour, that part of me that I try to hide away from prying eyes, will be wide open for scrutiny...and that is not only embarrassing, it scares me.