Shortly before five this afternoon, I will have to get into my car and drive to HH's office. Between the moments of “now” until the beginning of the long/short drive this afternoon, my mind is in a battle of its own. I am constantly reminded that although my bottom currently is not tender or red, it is due to change within the next couple of hours. At the same time, I am desperately trying to ignore the fear, the anticipation, and the nervousness.

The result of it all is that I have become “bottom aware”. I am conscious of my bottom's movement as I am walking, I can feel the material of my knickers against my skin, the pressure when I am sitting down, and I know that this day will be to long and to short. I am watching the time so relentlessly moving forward, wishing on the one hand for it to get to five o'clock, so that I can get this finished, but on the other hand, I am thinking that time is passing by to quickly – I am NOT ready!

I am telling myself that I should not be panicking, to concentrate on my breathing and remain calm, focus of what is on hand, what needs to be done, and put this afternoon for now, out of my mind. However, in my quiet moments when I had a cup of coffee, I inadvertently thought about what the reality of this afternoon will be. The shivers that ran down my back, with my bottom clenching involuntarily are making me restless and unable to concentrate on anything the way I should.

I am remembering how I goaded him on Friday afternoon, when I was irritated with the world and everyone and everything in it. I know that he knows that I do not even have an apology for my behaviour, and I know that he knows that I was deliberately provocative. In our conversation this morning, he was quick to point out again that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and as hard as what I am trying, the panic is coiling in the bottom of my stomach.

Yet, I will still get into my car this afternoon, and drive to his offices – trying not to think about what is coming, but thinking about it never the less.


Emily Winters said...

I think someone wrote a song about this a long time ago. I can't remember the title now, but it was something like Anticipation Wakes the Bum!
Good luck, Raven. I shall be thinking of you.

Erica said...

Breathe, honey. The anticipation is killer, isn't it? (sympathy clench)

Velvet said...

You are in my thoughts Raven, I always find those liminal times the worst too.

Hugs xxx
Velvet <3

Raven Red said...


T'was not good luck I needed, but an escape route! (GRIN)

All over and done - sitting slightly tenderly I might add.

But - thank you



Raven Red said...

Erica - the anticipation is the worst. Can really cope with it better if it happens without scheduling it.

Which reminds me about my 4 month wait - and I know Uncle Nick, I will be on tenterhooks for days - not quite knowing when he will decide that this might be the day.

Somehow I think (for some odd reason obviously - GRIN) he does it because I do tend to be on best behaviour. (Last desperate attempt...)



Raven Red said...

Thank you Velvet. At least it is over now. Bottom not a very happy body part right now - but at least I am in a better space now.



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