Planes, canes and some leather...

Leaving and returning to Johannesburg, my suitcase contained a couple of non-standard travel items that might have raised the eyebrows of the person operating the luggage scanners at Jhb International and at Heathrow. I have been wondering quite a bit, if I were stopped, with my inability to lie without giggling, how exactly I would have explained these items of rather a specific taste away.

The two thick leather belts would have most probably not elicited much response, except maybe to admire the thickness of the leather and the handiwork of the artisan. I would have been able to tell the person, that the items were bought outside Johannesburg, as in my quest to find these two gifts for Uncle Nick, I visited a leather shop that I know is renowned for its products. However, alas, that would have only part of the disclosure. I would have had to add, that it was brought under my attention by the proposed receiver of the gifts that he firmly believes in utilising items to their fullest. In addition, I would have had to admit that I had quite a profound bottom clenching panicky moment, and therefore in the interest of my bottom's safety, would have no objection if the items were confiscated.

Things would have even gotten more complicated with the rest of the items next to the leather belts. For starters there was the cattle whip, and for some odd reason I do not think that telling the by now most likely very worried airport employee that it is only intended to be a wall decoration...eh, note wall, not dungeon, would have made any difference to his levels of concern. 

Last but not the least, right next to the belt and the whip, I had packed the two quaintly named leather straps, Attitude Adjuster and Persuader. There would have been no way to explain those two items away, especially taking into consideration that I knew Persuader and my bottom had an appointment with Uncle Nick as the mediator. For the record, it was not a very pleasant meeting at all.

Then the return trip...with a "proper" British judiciary cane (according to Uncle Nick) and a tawse fashioned after the Lochgelly tawse, which the saga about the latter already had resulted in my bottom being heated up significantly, neatly packed into the suitcase. Again, I would have had these items gladly confiscated I might add, as they are on their way to HH, and he has been gleefully informing me via mails that he cannot wait to test them...on my bottom!

But the thing I wonder the most, is whether the body scanner at Heathrow picked up the significant heat pattern in the region of my recently well-caned bottom....


Brett B said...

Hehe. Gee, I wonder if your luggage would have provided enough clues... But would they think the items were to be used ON you or BY you? ;) I guess they'd have had to get a look at your bottom for the answer. XO

Raven Red said...

I somehow think if I was cornered, and offered no objection to the confiscation of the goods, they would have realised that it was destined for MY bottom. The question is, would they then still wanted to confiscate it?



ronnie said...

You were very brave going through customs with all those lovely implements. I was stopped last month (hand luggage) luckily P had the implement in his case.


Raven Red said...

In my head I had this little "you can do this, you can do this" chant, focused on the nothing to declare, put on the most nonchalant expression...and prayed..a lot..


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