2011/03/20

His promise

When thinking back over the past thirty days, I want to find a far off secluded spot where no-one will ever find me, I do not want to face anyone, I want to turn my back on the world, I want to turn my back on myself – I want to go into hiding. I am out of control; I cannot hide it any longer, the facade of redirecting concern away from me by using humour and counter questions, is no longer working.


I had resorted to being defensive, edgy, sarcastic, trying to deflect any uncomfortable statements or questions  away, that I knew would have forced me to look at myself. I had become stubborn to the point of resorting to self-destructive behaviour, being reckless and throwing all caution deliberately to the wind. I rebelled, ignored requests and concerns, became angry when cornered, lashing out refusing to acknowledge that I am still loved.


My transgressions were noted and written down, but every time he would talk to me for hours on end, bringing me back to some form of calmness, allowing me to vent my hurt and anger, knowing that it is borne out of feelings of helplessness and frustration about things I cannot change. There is only one transgression we do not talk about at all. I am to ashamed to admit what I have done, but suffice to say, that the terrible cold anger I heard in his voice that night, even surpassed the time when I decided to become aggressive and argumentative with a collective taxi driver.


I have no defence, no grounds to attempt to rationalise what I did, and although I have apologised, I know that it had not changed anything. I have committed the cardinal sin, putting myself in direct danger, deliberately, and for that, my bottom will pay. I had to answer one simple question: “How did you get home?” I could have lied, made up a story, but he knows me to well. I heard the defiance in my own voice when I answered him, but when his cold angry voice that fateful Friday night told me to go to sleep, and he will call me back in three hours time, I knew I had sealed my fate.


I am not even sure whether a note was made in his notebook, but I do know that he will not forget what I have done. He has promised me that I will be over his knee, for he is going to ensure that I never forget the cost of openly defying him. He has promised me that I will not be able to sit down for a month, and as each word was clipped off coldly, I knew it was no empty threat. He has promised me that tears will be rolling that day, and I realised that even when I do start crying for what I have done, he will continue until he is satisfied that the lesson had been learned.


If there is one thing about Uncle Nick that I know more than anything else in life, is that he regards his word as his honour, and he has never broken any of his promises to me, ever.

11 comments:

Emily Winters said...

Raven
How fortunate for you that this is so...
Emily

Raven Red said...

Emily

I am in SO much trouble about that Friday night, that I do not even want to think about what is coming.
He has been angry at me before, but I truly think that this time, I really did it. I have never heard him so angry...ever.

Rayne said...

*HUGS* Raven - I truly hope that your release from this burden comes soon and swiftly, and that you feel better, freer, and happier afterward. *hugs again* You are worth it. :)

Raven Red said...

Thanks for the hugs Rayne, and for the very kind words that you think that I am worth it.
I will have to wait until August/September in my next visit to the UK, the upside is that maybe (although I do not have much hope) he will not be AS angry as what he is now.
What I did was incredibly stupid and irresponsible - and there is nothing that can say to my defense nor can I blame anyone else.

Hugs

Raven

Pink said...

I hope you can find your way back to yourself and I'm happy you have someone to help you, Raven. Whatever the transgression, it is not insurmountable when faced together.

Big hugs,

Pink

dd said...

Raven, looks like destroying that notebook won't work this time round. I hate it when BBH is so angry he won't talk about it, but, as Pink says, working your way through it together maybe painful (in more ways than one) but when you come out the other side, peace is gained.

joeyred51 said...

Blg Hug. I feel your pain, feeling guilty is so awful. Look past the pain to the emotional release and comfort in your soul when your "meeting" is done.

Raven Red said...

Miss Pink

The help is rather going to be of a painful kind. (sigh) And there is nothing I can even say or do that will excuse my behaviour. Somehow Einstein comes to mind - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Should have thought about that before I ventured into the great abyss.

Thank you for the hugs.

Raven

Raven Red said...

dd

You are so right. This time the moleskin notebook's destruction is not going to help in any way.He did record it, but it is a thing that he will NOT forget.

Thank you for your support and hugs.

Raven

Raven Red said...

Joey

Thank you. Not looking forward to the meeting at all, but the guilt is getting to me to be honest. In a way I am relieved that he does not want to discuss the incident.

Hugs

Raven

dd said...

Raven, don't let the guilt eat you up. You know it will be addressed when you come face to face but if you fret about it for months, it will grow to catastrophic proportions in your mind.

Why is it that Tops have elephantine memories of undealt with, long ago and far better forgotten misdeeds, but, a very selective memory about far more recent agreements...?

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