I would rather...

It had been quite a rough week, and upon waking up early on Saturday morning to a beautiful summer's day, brought some quietness to my soul. That was, until the phone call.

"Morning, Raven. Are you still suffering from the flu?"

"Morning Mom, no I do have a sore throat, but it is definitely on the mend."

"I want to talk to you about something....BUT, if you laugh, I will personally kill you next time you come to visit"

I knew whatever was coming, was going to test my levels of self control!

"You do realise that old people have sex?"

I barely managed the "Yes", as I could feel my eyes widening and a hysterical giggle attack looming. Pinching my leg did do the trick to keep it at bay, however, with a sinking feeling in my stomach I realised that this conversation was going to be extremely uncomfortable.

"You also realise that with my back problems, I do have a problem in that area?"

Oh yea gods - I am a visual person - and the images conjured in my mind....

"I bought a book that I showed to your Dad, which by the way has left the house for a walk in the garden. He does not want to hear me talking to you about this"

Thanks Dad! Thank you so much!

"So, as I was saying, I read this book, and I have decided to ask you if you could please buy me a vibrator."

I could not breath, I was pinching my leg so hard that I was blue for days...but I did manage a very composed - well I think it was rather nicely composed and calm - Yes, no problem".

“Erm, Mom - what size do you prefer?

Silence.

"It comes in sizes?"

An even lenghtier silence...removal of hand from mouth with clear teethmarks visible, followed with a discussion that I really do not want to get into again.

"Do you need to get batteries? Or do you plug it into the wall?"

That was it! Images of my seventy year odd old mother being attended to by paramedics due to electrical shock caused by vibrator use...

In the end, the vibrator was bought, delivered, batteries inserted and the practical application thereof explained - in theory only! In a country where anything sexual is still very much a taboo subject, and conservatism still rules the house, my gratitude and a huge thank you to the ladies at the Lolamontez shop in Sandton. At least I was saved from the ordeal of a sleazy sexshop with a gum chewing, disinterested person behind a counter...

However, I have realised that I would really and truly prefer bending over for a severe thrashing with the cane before ever having to have another  conversation "about the birds and the big, bloody artificially created humming bees" with my mother...especially where I am allocated the role of the sexpert!