2011/11/03

I would rather...

It had been quite a rough week, and upon waking up early on Saturday morning to a beautiful summer's day, brought some quietness to my soul. That was, until the phone call.

"Morning, Raven. Are you still suffering from the flu?"
"Morning Mom, no I do have a sore throat, but it is definitely on the mend."

"I want to talk to you about something....BUT, if you laugh, I will personally kill you next time you come to visit"
I knew whatever was coming, was going to test my levels of self control!

"You do realise that old people have sex?"
I barely managed the "Yes", as I could feel my eyes widening and a hysterical giggle attack looming. Pinching my leg did do the trick to keep it at bay, however, with a sinking feeling in my stomach I realised that this conversation was going to be extremely uncomfortable.

"You also realise that with my back problems, I do have a problem in that area?"
Oh yea gods - I am a visual person - and the images conjured in my mind....

"I bought a book that I showed to your Dad, which by the way has left the house for a walk in the garden. He does not want to hear me talking to you about this"
Thanks Dad! Thank you so much!

"So, as I was saying, I read this book, and I have decided to ask you if you could please buy me a vibrator."
I could not breath, I was pinching my leg so hard that I was blue for days...but I did manage a very composed - well I think it was rather nicely composed and calm - Yes, no problem".

Erm, Mom - what size do you prefer?
Silence.
"It comes in sizes?"

An even lenghtier silence...removal of hand from mouth with clear teethmarks visible, followed with a discussion that I really do not want to get into again.
"Do you need to get batteries? Or do you plug it into the wall?"

That was it! Images of my seventy year odd old mother being attended to by paramedics due to electrical shock caused by vibrator use...

In the end, the vibrator was bought, delivered, batteries inserted and the practical application thereof explained - in theory only! In a country where anything sexual is still very much a taboo subject, and conservatism still rules the house, my gratitude and a huge thank you to the ladies at the Lolamontez shop in Sandton. At least I was saved from the ordeal of a sleazy sexshop with a gum chewing, disinterested person behind a counter...


However, I have realised that I would really and truly prefer bending over for a severe thrashing with the cane before ever having to have another  conversation "about the birds and the big, bloody artificially created humming bees" with my mother...especially where I am allocated the role of the sexpert!


9 comments:

Mikki said...

ROFLMBO!!!! I loved this post!! Hillarious!! If I had dentures I'd have been picking them up off the floor.. I could only imagine my mom asking the same thing!! LOL I will definitely get back to you should my mom ever ask me... don't hold your breath!! LOL

dd said...

Absolutely brilliant, Raven!

Made me laugh from an unhappy, tearful disposition.

My kids go ick, whenever they see BBH and I hugging or kissing, but I think it's the same at any age!

Next time I visit my mother I'm going to check out her drawers!

Sara said...

Awesome, funny...and how cool is it that your mom felt she could come to you?

Sara

PS. Will you think of that vibrator next time you're at a dinner table with them? ;)

Lea said...

OMG, ROFL! Wow, you are a saint of a daughter!

Raven Red said...

Mikki

I NEVER thought that my mother would ask me something like that...so, I am going to hold my breath! (GRIN)

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

DD

Like that it made you smile. Careful with your mother's drawers - I am still hovering between laughter and "let's not go there". (GRIN)

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

Sara

I am very blessed to have a mother that is so different in her thinking to her peers although, this little incident was way over the top! :)

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

Lea

"Saint" is pushing it a bit far! (GRIN)

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

Sara

Oops! The answer to your question: I had a conversation with my dad this morning, and he sounded very perky...obviously my thoughts went all weird and random again. And that was a telephone conversation! (SIGH)
I think I can delay dinner invites well at least up and until Christmas day...hopefully I would have recovered some. (GRIN)

Hugs

Raven

Creative Commons License
Raven Red by Raven Red is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.