2011/03/21

I do not want to be caned...

During the last session with HH, there was so much anger and bitterness in me, that in my resentment against the world and everyone in it, I erected a wall of pure stubbornness. As I was bending over the chair, bottom bared, he caned me hard that day, his short course in anger management eventually destroying every bit of my inner resistance to let go of the rage that was surging through me. I could not sit properly for nearly two weeks thereafter, my bottom tender, swollen and sore, stinging in protest every time I moved.


It was a constant reminder of the price I had to pay for my streak of obstinacy, and I decided that I would not be going down that path again soon. I did not want a caning again and therefore deliberately ignored the fact that I have this peculiar pattern of only managing for about fourteen days to stay in line. I isolated myself, believing foolishly that I could stay out of trouble, and when seeing the marks left by the cane in the mirror every morning, my resolve not to be caned again became stronger.


I cannot quite explain how a resolve at not being caned again turned into a very deliberate attempt to avoid any form of spanking as far as possible. I immersed myself into work, working twelve to thirteen hours a day, ensuring that nowhere along the line an opportunity might come along where I have to present myself to HH. I had very nicely put myself on a road that could only end one way, but I closed my eyes and persisted.


For the past week, the topic of presenting myself to HH has become more prominent in my conversations with Uncle Nick. Last night I closed my eyes when I finally asked him the question that had been coming for a while, a question that I knew contained my acknowledgement of a battle lost, “I need a spanking, don’t I?” Time had run out, it has been more than four weeks since my last session with HH, and I have left pure havoc in my wake. Even as I stated in a rather plaintive voice that I do not want to be caned again, I realised that my reluctance had nothing to do with the rattan cane.


It is about the desire and the reluctance of wanting and not wanting my defensive walls to remain in place and to be broken down. It is about knowing that the moment that my dress has been lifted and my knickers are lowered; my bared bottom does not only reflect my vulnerability in flesh, but that of my soul. It is about knowing that when I am bending over the chair, with my bottom awaiting the swish of a cane, the thud of the paddle or the crack of leather that I am acknowledging my submission of control, but with it, my need that the walls should go.


It is about knowing that the moment I feel the first impact against my bared flesh turning it a shade of red, the stinging burn reverberating through my body, that I will continue to hear the swish of a cane, or the thud of the paddle, until the last vestige of the walls I have built, has been removed. It is about knowing that even though I have stated that I do not want to be caned, my resistance and protests will pass, and I will remain in place, waiting and wanting the purge.

I had embarked on a new road nearly a year ago, and even with this flare of rebellion against the changes within me, I know that I have not only accepted who I have become, but that this is who I am.

12 comments:

Pink said...

This is a gorgeous post. The pain is tolerable. The vulnerability sometimes is not, particularly when we work so hard at appearing strong.

Hugs to you,

Pink

MarQe's Study said...

Once again Raven you leave me no option but to ............. add this post to my 'Weekly Top Five' ..... Inspiring !

MQ x

Raven Red said...

Miss Pink

Thank you so much for the kind words.

And yes, as hard as what I strive to stay in control, to stay the master (mistress before Uncle Nick has heart failure) of my destiny, the submissive within me demands that it is heeded.

And at times the vulnerabiity that it creates scares me, for although I have learned again to trust, I also know that I am wide open to be wounded.

Yet, when I look at uncle Nick and my local disciplinarian (HH), I know that I am safe and that I am understood.

It is only a question of letting go, similar to a small child handing over her favourite toy to a parent, for that couple of seconds holding onto it, transforming her doubts that she might not get it back again, into total trust in the person in front of her.

Raven Red said...

MarQe

For a second there I thought "Now what I have done again?"...LOL. Thank you.

Raven

XX

wordsmith said...

Have a hug from me. I don't give many of those...sorry if a bit clumsy ;-)

Erica said...

The rebellion comes from our stinkin' thinkin' minds... the vulnerability and willingness from our hearts.

Beautiful, Raven.

Britt said...

Have I ever mentioned that I love your blog? I am going to put it on my blog roll!

If you get a chance, please come check me out too, I love getting comments :)

hisdesires.wordpress.com

btw, the cane sounds very scary. It is something I have yet to experience, and I don't think I want to either...

Raven Red said...

Wordsmith

I do not care if it a clumsy hug, a hug remains a hug - and thank you.

Raven
xx

Raven Red said...

Erica, so true. That little saying of sometimes you are your own worst enemy - I truly did put that in practise this past month.

Hugs

Raven

Raven Red said...

Britt

Thank you. And I am on my way...

Hugs

Raven

Spanking Photo Blog said...

Hi, you have a very good blog here, i have a spanking blog to. If you like we couls exchange links betwen our blogs. Let me know

Best Regards

Enzo

Rusty said...

I don't like to be caned either. But that feeling of vulnerable honesty, shame, guilt, and pleasure all rolled into one delicious truffle makes one bear it. Sometimes, however, I try to plead my case that I don't care for thin impliments; i.e., canes, rods, switches, etc. - and ask for a different sentence - it is then that I am brought back to the reality that such things are not always - nor should never be - negotiable.

I like what you said, "...my bared bottom does not only reflect my vulnerability in flesh, but that of my soul." Oh, my Lord, yes!

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